DISCLOSURE POLICY

Why is it so hard to be kind to yourself? And, to show confidence and pride outwardly? It seems like this is so hard for woman to do without being accused of being conceited or even at times bitchy. And, beyond that, why when we don’t do something perfectly or are slacking we hate on ourselves. How did our society get to this point?

I am constantly trying to be kinder to myself both body and soul. It is way harder than I realized to retrain myself to think kinder and be nicer to myself after 29 almost 30 years of self hatred.

I broke down to my husband the other night about my struggles with being my own boss, being a good writer and staying motivated. He was consciously listening to me but interrupted to tell me to not cry and start with the self-hate again. At first I had the reaction of, ya know, wanting to punch him in the face (don’t we all sometimes) but, then he continued and told me that I need to keep going with my work and I will learn and get better. What a great slap in the face for me, and, in an amazing way.

There is a comfort in the self-loathing depression. However, not only does it affect me but everyone around me. I’ve been suffering from anxiety and depression since I can remember, which is definitely not something to boast about BUT that depression spiral that I go into when I start to self-loathe is so quick and familiar that I don’t even realize it’s caught hold of me. In my head I think that I need to FEEL my emotions, sit in it and be it before I can get myself out of it. As I talk about it this comfortable depressed place I feel comfort; a warm bed, sad movies, lots of crying and feeling sorry for myself. But, it takes me way longer than I realize to get out of that slump and it takes me even longer to feel better about myself and back on the road to self LOVE.

The other night, though, when my husband was listening to me I told him I just needed to talk about it, I wasn’t going to hate, I just needed to get the thoughts and feelings out. But, with that I started to give myself solutions on how I could fix my speed bumps, feel productive and in charge of myself. He sat there and listened. I felt more confident after that interaction and I had a plan to start to change things for myself. I resisted that spiral and it worked out.

Keeping busy and making the plans to succeed have helped keep the negativity away. Voicing my doubts, fears, and overall feelings out loud and then coming up with solutions for all of those things helped me be with those feelings. By voicing the solutions it kept me right on going and I avoided that spiral completely. I do have to say, having a supportive significant other or friend is key. It’s not that my husband physically did anything for me but by him talking me out of the spiral and letting me talk I came out of it on my own. The next morning my husband looked at me before leaving for work and said again, there will be no hating today! Truth, brother!

What is it with women (and men) having to suppress their love for themselves and tear themselves down when they aren’t performing at the exact level they should be? Like I said earlier, I’m constantly retraining my brain to think kind thoughts, to not be hard on myself, and to have confidence. To me, being proud of myself and confident in what I am doing is something only expressed internally where no one can see that you feel this way. To show this on the outside would be shameful and embarrassing. When I put that into words it makes it sound so F’ed up. WHY would I think this? I need to be an example for my children and my being down and out all the time is not the example I want to show them. When you are proud, confident, happy…doesn’t that feeling seem like it rubs off on anyone around you? Don’t you want them to feel the same way you do? My husband has no problem owning and talking about his strengths. I think I should sound the same way when I am talking about my own work or even, gasp, myself!!

I hope to keep this up within myself and that the only spiral I will feel is the spiral of my self-love radiating off of me into the world. And, I hope you try and do the same.

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